Lesson updates

Skeptics CircleWith the Cult of the “Christian” Right clamouring for creationism intelligent design to be taught in school biology classes, I figure the rest of the curriculum needs a radical shakeup too:

History

With the bible being a historically accurate record of the history of the universe, this obviously casts doubt on theories such as the stone, bronze and iron ages of man. These should be replaced with detailed analysis of the great flood and that whole parting of the Red Sea event. Also, for some reason, the word of God stopped being written down about 20 centuries ago, so until the bible is officially updated, all modern history will be ignored.

Geography

The bible states quite categorically that the Earth is a “circle”, and of course, circles are flat, so this whole globe theory has to go. Obviously, unknown currents are driving us around the circle making it seem like we’re on a globe. Alternative maps will be provided.

Chemistry

Experiments to investigate transubstantiation will be added to the syllabus, as well as possible theories for how human bodies can suddenly turn into salt.

Physics

The big bang, aerodynamics, and gravity are all “just theories”, so biblical alternatives must be provided. Seven day creation, the marionette theory of flight, and intelligent falling will be offered as alternatives.

Language

The word of God was written in Aramaic, Hebrew or Greek (depends who you talk to, but we’ll just gloss over that), so these will be the only three languages taught in our schools. All lessons will be held in Hebrew.

Art

The bible has no pictures, so art isn’t allowed.

Physical Education

To be added to the syllabus: Wooden cross carrying; walking on water attempts; “active” praying; stoning practice.

Sex Education

Sex is a sin, don’t do it. Filthy children.

2 thoughts on “Lesson updates”

  1. About the Chemistry, here are a few more suggestions:
    Spontaneous combustion (of Bush’s, I mean bushes)
    Rods turning into snakes and water into blood.

    Weather:
    Following a fire at night, and a mist for 40 years is possible.
    Maybe we should start doing that?

    About Sex:
    You can do it, only men cannot do it with men, and women can’t do it at all.
    Once you get that straitened out, sex is beautiful.

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